Roots

60ffd7187c152b73f2e0833b21c5b76aMaya Angelou once said “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.”

I moved to Upstate South Carolina when I was thirteen years old, it was the day after Christmas during my 8th grade school year. I was angry with my parents, I loved where I lived and didn’t want to leave. We had a beautiful home on a bay off Lake Ontario; where summers meant hours on the dock and playing outside until there was no light left, our parents never worrying about where we were. Fall was the time we’d eat apples picked from the orchards we weren’t supposed to be playing in. Winters included ice skating on the rink you shoveled yourself and sledding all day on the neighborhood hill. Spring meant waking up early to ride your bike to school, even though it was entirely too far. Those memories will forever be etched in my mind. There were a lot of good times and great friends; it was home to me then.

Recently, the opportunity to relive those days through the memories of others opened up to me. A few old friends contacted me through Facebook, strangely though I could only recall their names. I’ve tried to pull memories back from things they’ve told me, it’s all fuzzy now and I can’t seem to bring them into focus. I remember certain moments clear as day; the kind of moments that bring deep emotion and change us into who we become as we grow up. Those feelings like, shame, pride, embarrassment, fear and loneliness are powerful. The emotional reactions we have today as adults come from the time in our lives between fifth grade and high school, where events and situations start to establish our reaction to similar ones for the rest of our lives.

I was chatting with one of these old friends a few days ago and a girl we went to school with came up in conversation, of course I only remembered the name and recalled that we were friends but with her it was different. It brought back one of those memories connected with emotion. It was about her mother, she was our Girl Scout Troop Leader. The memory that came to mind was sitting on the grass in a circle in their beautiful front yard. I couldn’t focus on what she was teaching because I was anxious and crying. I went to the principal’s office that day for fighting with another girl and needed to tell my parents that evening. The belt was still used in those days and I was scared. I remember how she comforted me, told me how to talk to my parents and reassured me that it would all be ok. It was a memory that remained because it carried with it the feelings of shame and fear. Even today when I make a mistake or poor decision and have to admit that I was wrong, those same feeling well up inside me like I’m eleven all over again. I’ve had many other ‘moment in time’ memories just like that one, which seem to stir those emotions from childhood, that come flooding back as an adult.

At the time moving away seemed so devastating but today I couldn’t imagine being anywhere other than where I am now. I have become a southern woman, with northern roots. My first taste of the Lowcountry was in college, 1988. Moving to Charleston, the city with the smell of pluff mud rising from the marshes, the scent of jasmine which hangs on the history of downtown, and the taste of salt that the summer ocean brings; it becomes a part of you. I really grew up here; this is where I became an adult. However, I left in my early twenties knowing I would someday come back and stay. When that opportunity came I didn’t flinch, I knew it was where I belonged.

When I moved back to my southern home in 2002, I made a promise to myself and silently to my children. I would do everything and anything to keep them right where we are today. I wanted them to go through their school years with all the same friends, to know the comfort of having lifelong roots. They are beginning to start their lives, on the verge of becoming adults too; I just hope that this is the city where they choose to keep themselves planted.

Love,

g

Finding My Little g Spot

I love football. It has become a big part of my life over the past thirteen years. I remember as a child on Sundays when the game was on, it meant that you couldn’t watch anything else because Dad would be sleeping on the sofa. But thirteen years ago it began to change, my future husband, Zed, was obsessed with all things football but especially the Steelers, recording games all on VHS tape, making bets and trying to watch as many games as possible. It became part of me too.

In football everything hinges on ten yards, just ten small yards can change the course of a game. Gives you another chance to achieve your goal or can send your team to defeat and turn your once promising season into the end. Ten yards changed my life too. Do you know how far ten yards is? It’s thirty feet, thirty feet took my husband’s life on August 2nd, 2009 and changed my life forever. I became a widow at 39.

Welcome to my Little g Spot. I’m glad you decided to read a little, even if it’s only once but I hope you choose to follow along on my crazy ride. I’ve been threatening for a long time to start a blog about my funny experiences dating as a widowed mother of three teenagers. Only problem, it isn’t always funny, the emotions and difficulties that come with transitioning from having the life I once knew to the one I have now has been gut wrenching. I wish that I was one of those people who did it well with grace and class but I’m not.

So here is what you’ll get, I promise at times it will be wildly funny, I always have a story. There will be cursing, sex, alcohol and bad behavior but there will also be moments of sadness and tears. You may feel empathy or maybe even pity for me. But at the end of the day I just hope to find myself. Best case scenario I hope that in someway and at some point the look into my very small world gives someone else a smile or helps them through a dark spot in their own life. Or at the least be glad you’re not me.

The topics will mostly revolve around my friends and dating but will also include my kids, weight, depression and financial difficulties and triumphs. So a little randomness to get me through the day. narcissistic? Yup, blame Oprah. She made us all look at ourselves and share it with the world…blah blah blah. I just want true happiness and peace for the life I have now, don’t have it yet but I’m still searching.

Love,

g