The King and I

I know it’s been a few months since my last post. Honestly I just haven’t had time. I’m back in school and focused squarely on myself. Working full-time and taking a full-time course load in college. A lot has transpired since my last post though.

So I was seeing the Babe all summer, completely sure that he was the one for me. We had fantastic weekends full of kids, friends and fun. Then things started to change. I’m not sure if it was me, him or a combination of both but this is what I saw and how I felt.

Something changed in him, he wasn’t happy anymore. Our time was becoming limited because of my schedule and our kids were back in school. We also live almost 50 minutes apart. I admit I wasn’t available and I wasn’t really willing to sacrifice either. I’m focused on school and my future career. He kept telling me I know it’s tough, I did it too. I know how you feel, I know what it’s like; well, NO you don’t. I know you went to college and graduate school but did you go as a single parent with two teenagers at home and another in college? Did you have a home that you had to keep up and groceries to buy for those kids? Did you work full-time too? NO? Well then you don’t know. It became annoying, plain and simple. He had this fantasy that we would be this perfect family and he would take care of me. I’m not that girl! I don’t NEED anyone to take care of me, I don’t want that. I want someone who inspires me. The straw was a comment he made. He said “I won’t make it through you going to school as your boyfriend, only as your husband”. Ouch! It felt like an ultimatum and made me feel like I wasn’t worth the sacrifice. It makes me sad but I know I did the right thing for him and his daughter, even more important…me.

There was another issue too. It’s no secret that I had my heart broken and certainly no secret that I have made some colossal mistakes in dating. However there was always the King quietly hanging in the background. I’ve very briefly mentioned him before. He’s a friend but we did date for a short period. It was right after QJ broke my heart, like literally right after! We dated for maybe a couple of months. I was so tormented and fucked up at that time in my life, it ended in dramatic fashion.

Here’s the thing, that was almost two years ago. Ever since then no matter how much I’ve pushed him away, no matter if I never responded to his texts or didn’t return his calls, even when his son was in the hospital, he knew I was a mess and broken; but he understood. For some reason when he text me in late August, I responded; I hadn’t spoken to him in about 5 months. He immediately called me and we talked for a couple of hours about everything, like we had never stopped talking. That was never an issue with us.

I was having a drink with my girlfriends one night and he walked in, sat with us and we all had a great time. He kissed me goodbye, nothing more than a peck on the lips but it felt different from just a friendly kiss. I broke up with Babe the next day. Not because of the King but because if Babe was the one, I wouldn’t have felt anything when he kissed me and with all the other issues with Babe, I just knew it needed to end.

The King and I (punny) are still just friends and will more than likely remain just friends (too complicated to explain). He did however open my eyes that Babe wasn’t the right man for me. He also gave me a little tough love recently when he pointed out; I keep making excuses for not finishing anything in my life. Ahhhh, the balance and inspiration I crave from a friend? Maybe? After the King bluntly called me out; I kicked my butt in gear and got my applications into school. I’ve been accepted into the nursing program and I start those classes a year from January. In the mean time I’m almost done with my associates in science and will continue to take classes full-time, working toward my ultimate goal of becoming  a Cardiac Perfusionist with no excuses. Damn I hate it when I’m called out but grateful for the honesty.

I’m happier than I’ve been in years. Even with the loss of another relationship.



60ffd7187c152b73f2e0833b21c5b76aMaya Angelou once said “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.”

I moved to Upstate South Carolina when I was thirteen years old, it was the day after Christmas during my 8th grade school year. I was angry with my parents, I loved where I lived and didn’t want to leave. We had a beautiful home on a bay off Lake Ontario; where summers meant hours on the dock and playing outside until there was no light left, our parents never worrying about where we were. Fall was the time we’d eat apples picked from the orchards we weren’t supposed to be playing in. Winters included ice skating on the rink you shoveled yourself and sledding all day on the neighborhood hill. Spring meant waking up early to ride your bike to school, even though it was entirely too far. Those memories will forever be etched in my mind. There were a lot of good times and great friends; it was home to me then.

Recently, the opportunity to relive those days through the memories of others opened up to me. A few old friends contacted me through Facebook, strangely though I could only recall their names. I’ve tried to pull memories back from things they’ve told me, it’s all fuzzy now and I can’t seem to bring them into focus. I remember certain moments clear as day; the kind of moments that bring deep emotion and change us into who we become as we grow up. Those feelings like, shame, pride, embarrassment, fear and loneliness are powerful. The emotional reactions we have today as adults come from the time in our lives between fifth grade and high school, where events and situations start to establish our reaction to similar ones for the rest of our lives.

I was chatting with one of these old friends a few days ago and a girl we went to school with came up in conversation, of course I only remembered the name and recalled that we were friends but with her it was different. It brought back one of those memories connected with emotion. It was about her mother, she was our Girl Scout Troop Leader. The memory that came to mind was sitting on the grass in a circle in their beautiful front yard. I couldn’t focus on what she was teaching because I was anxious and crying. I went to the principal’s office that day for fighting with another girl and needed to tell my parents that evening. The belt was still used in those days and I was scared. I remember how she comforted me, told me how to talk to my parents and reassured me that it would all be ok. It was a memory that remained because it carried with it the feelings of shame and fear. Even today when I make a mistake or poor decision and have to admit that I was wrong, those same feeling well up inside me like I’m eleven all over again. I’ve had many other ‘moment in time’ memories just like that one, which seem to stir those emotions from childhood, that come flooding back as an adult.

At the time moving away seemed so devastating but today I couldn’t imagine being anywhere other than where I am now. I have become a southern woman, with northern roots. My first taste of the Lowcountry was in college, 1988. Moving to Charleston, the city with the smell of pluff mud rising from the marshes, the scent of jasmine which hangs on the history of downtown, and the taste of salt that the summer ocean brings; it becomes a part of you. I really grew up here; this is where I became an adult. However, I left in my early twenties knowing I would someday come back and stay. When that opportunity came I didn’t flinch, I knew it was where I belonged.

When I moved back to my southern home in 2002, I made a promise to myself and silently to my children. I would do everything and anything to keep them right where we are today. I wanted them to go through their school years with all the same friends, to know the comfort of having lifelong roots. They are beginning to start their lives, on the verge of becoming adults too; I just hope that this is the city where they choose to keep themselves planted.



Don’t Boil The Rabbit

WARNING: This post contains content that may require a tissue and maybe even a diaper. Vulgar language follows.

I have a handful of movies that I love, several of them happen to be Quintin Tarantino films. I love his quirky, dark humor. Reservoir Dogs is one of my all time favorite movies. To show my love for Mr. Brown, I have opted to give all of my girlfriends code names for the purposes of protecting the not so innocent.

I have four women in my life that are the foundation of my sanity. Well as sane as someone like me can be. There’s not much I wouldn’t do for any of them, except pick them up when they fall off a bar stool. I’m just gonna point, laugh and take a picture. This story really revolves around myself and three of the four girls but I can’t start any stories about girlfriends without first introducing Ms. Blush.

Ms. Blush is the single most important person in my life, she has held me up when I couldn’t stand, spoken for me when I lost my inner voice, given me strength when I was too weak to go on, made me laugh so hard I’ve peed and kicked my ass when I was being ridiculous. She is not my blood but my soul. At the end of my life when I look in the mirror and can’t recognize myself anymore, I will look at her and see everything I am. She is the greatest love of my life. We’d be lesbians but neither one of us like pussy. Ms. Blush, I love you and look forward to the day that we can laugh in person and not on the phone. Although this story doesn’t include you I know you love rabbits too.

Rabbits are magical little creatures, no wonder they get pulled out of hats and have carrot envy. Every women should have one that they can call all their own. They offer comfort when you’re alone and can bring extreme pleasure when nothing else seems to help. Ms. Pearl however has never loved a rabbit before and it has been our little group’s mission recently to help her understand the importance of loving such a magical creature. Ms. Ruby my smokin hot, new friend and Ms. Violet my old friend who brings me peace and love are all desperate to share the amazing benefits of holding a rabbit near and dear.

Ms. Pearl an angelic women who blushes at most of the things I say and do, like the f-bombs that I drop on a constant basis and completely vulgar conversations that I seem to have quite loudly whenever we are in public. (Which is often since Ms. Pearl is a runaway in-patient at Betty Ford…shhh don’t tell). Seriously though she has been a dear friend also there in my time of need for the past few years. I’ve called her in the middle of the night crying and she has come running. Who wouldn’t want to bring joy to someone like that.

For our girls Christmas exchange Ms. Violet and I went shopping for rabbits. We found a great shop that had a huge selection. After looking at some really large ones we decided an itty bitty bunny might be best for Ms. Pearl, I mean if you’ve never taken care of one before you should start small. What a coincidence that we found four really cute bunnies all exactly the same but in different colors. Perfect! we’ll take the set.

Ms. Pearl was very grateful to receive such a thoughtful gift, so was Ms. Ruby. Ms. Ruby was so excited she took hers out with us that night and showed our favorite hot bartender just how fast it could jump. He was very impressed and had a little carrot envy himself.

A few days later Ms. Pearl sent me a desperate message. My bunny has run out of food! Ms. Pearl REALLY loves her new companion. This particular bunny required a special kind of food and was difficult to find. After a couple of failed attempts she finally found the right food and bunny was snuggled up again giving her joy. We all realized that maybe Ms. Pearl needed another rabbit to keep her bunny company that required less maintenance. Thank goodness that her birthday was right around the corner. She now has another rabbit to hug and squeeze and call her own that requires less care and as an added bonus can go swimming with her too.

When owning a bunny or rabbit there are some care and maintenance requirements. Always give them a bath after you’ve played with them but more importantly be sure to put them in a safe place where no one else can find them or play with them. They are all your own and should only be giving you the attention you deserve.

I have been known to be a little careless with this so here is your WARNING. If you have housekeeper be sure that your rabbit has been put away otherwise she will very lovingly and neatly put him on your nightstand. When arriving home to find my rabbit perched so openly, I immediately panicked. What if she played with my rabbit? Do I need to boil him? Upon further thought I realized, hey, she’s the housekeeper, I’m sure if she enjoyed his company she cleaned him VERY well… Yup it happened. An even worse moment of rabbit discovery, when you have a house full of guests and are trying to disperse your teenage kids from the adult crowd by sending them to your room to watch TV; be sure that your baby bunny is safe and secure and not hiding in your bed. When your eighteen year old son walks back in the room full of people looking like he’s seen the white rabbit and says “Uhhh… yeah Mom I’m not going to watch TV in your bed”. Lets just say we both curled up on the floor laughing. There are no boundaries left in that mother son relationship…yup it happened.

Be safe and happy petting. Love yourself…love a rabbit.